Client: Hi, I know you guys would like me to just trust you with my search engine optimisation but I need to ask you something. Are you building links to my website? I read that you should be doing that.
Consultant: We have a really detailed plan in place and one part of that is posting really helpful content on the internet along with a link to your website.
Client: Oh, well I hope it works, otherwise I am going to just buy SEnuke and get thousands of link, myself. I don’t see why you guys do not use that program, it looks great.
Consultant: I don’t think that would be a good idea. That automated software will flag your site to Google and make it look like spam. It is best to keep everything natural.
Client: The video on their website said it was great.
Consultant: I could put a video on my website that says I don’t think you are a fuckwit, would that make it true?
Client: What the fuck is going on? I paid for one month of search engine optimisation and thirty days later I am still not first when I search for shoes. How do you explain this?
Consultant: Look, as you would have read in the contract, we do not make time based promises. Also, “Shoes” is one of the most competitive keywords there is. Making things happen instantly just isn’t going to work.
Client: I don’t understand. I paid for this and I haven’t seen any results.
Consultant: Actually you have been sent a five page document outlining the long-tale keywords you are now ranking for and the increase of traffic. Also, as I can see in Google Analytics you are converting well. This means you are making shit loads of cash – get off my fucking back.
Client: I just want to come up first for shoes.
Consultant: I just want to fucking kill you.
Client: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. My business sells clothing and I would like to come up first in Google for that keyword.
Consultant: Sure, I can make that happen for you. It is a very competitive keyword so you will need to sign up for our larger plan – it will cost $2000 per month.
Client: That’s probably more than I can afford. I will pay you $20 per month and if you get me to the top within on week I will tell my friends that you are great.
Consultant: Are you fucking serious? How the fuck would I be able to pay the bills if I only charged that much. If you were at the top for that keyword you would be a fucking millionaire. Why would you only pay us $20 per month you cheap bitch?
Client: Okay, maybe you will like this deal. I will let you work for free on my competitive keywords and then I will pay you your $2000 once I have been there for six months and know that I am making a return.
Consultant: How about I buy $100,000 of your clothing but I will only pay for it after I have been wearing it for six months. Sound like a good deal?
Client: You are funny. Also, I do not have a website yet so I need you to make that for me too. Can you do that for me?
Consultant: Sure, and why I am here, why don’t I fix your fucking printer too?
Consultant: Fuck you!